Masking the pain
by midnightbittersweet
Summary: Romanos never been the most loved nation but no one really hates him. sadly i dont think HE knows this. SpainxRomano (trigger warning cutting,depression,suicide, and rape mentioned in fic) and M rating becuase im paraniod and Romano curses like a sailor
1. Chapter 1 intro

**A!N I know I know**

**I am not abandoning secrets and illnesses I just have been **

**Itching to get another fic up soon. This one could be triggering as it has cutting and mentions **

**Of rape and other abuse as well (the raped part won't really be focused on as much) **

**Anyways now presenting **

**Masking the pain **

**Third person pov**

Cut. Slash. The blood pooled as it slid down his arm. He didn't know when it started. When he resorted to this sick pleasure to help him get through the day and honestly he didn't care. It brought him comfort in knowing he can feel something. Something other than pain or anger. That he actually had feelings.

He watched as the blood slipped down his arm. _"its red like a tomato."_ _"Let's see fratello paint with this." _His grin faded at the thought of his brother. What would he think if he saw him like this? "_he would probably cry like he does about everything." _He though bitterly. "_but he wouldn't actually care about you he would just cry because he's Italy." _With that came another slash.

Nine.

Nine cuts and that was just today. His wrists and thighs have a nice collection over the last 2 years. A collection of scars over scars. _"a collection of imperfections." _he traced over one pulling his hand back when he felt the sting he cracked a grin because that's what they are for every mistake came another cut. One for wasting Spain's time, One for being useless, One for being week, One for being so hateful, One for taking enjoyment in this, One for being depressed when you have no right, One for not being a good brother to Italy and so on until he felt he at least tried to make up for his existence.

He got up and walked to the bathroom to wash up. He teetered and almost fell over because of blood loss a few times but made it regardless. He ran some warm water and watched as the blood ran down the drain. After he cleaned his wrists he covered them in gauze and bandages. He was really good at tending to them now and it was done with in 10 minutes. He pulled on a new shirt and put the one he usually wore when he did that in his closet. Yes sadly enough he has a special shirt he wears when he does that. Just so nothing blood stained gets mixed in with his laundry and he doesn't get any questions thrown his way.

It was two years ago when it happened. I mean he always felt useless and unneeded and hurt but somehow it was increased that day. No one not even Spain knows of it. Knows of the man who pulled him into the ally way. Who held him down and took his innocence away. No...No they don't know of his secrets and never will.

He will always be masking the pain to the best of his ability

**A!N okay I know really short first chapter but it was kind of just an **

**Introduction the real stuff will be going on next chap**

**And if you didn't pick this up the character im **

**Focusing on is Romano in this**

**Fic.**


	2. Chapter 2 Silence

**A!N alrighty now I'm back**

**So sorry about the wait**

**and my lacking of any updates my internet was down for a while and then my **

**monitor broke so I had to deal with that…l**

**so to apologies I wrote a chap. now here's**

**chap 2**

**third person pov**

It was a normal world meeting. In other words everyone was fighting.

Fuck! I pulled down my sleeve hoping no one saw my arm. I tried to rest my head in my hands only for my sleeve to roll down a bit. It's still bandaged from the other night. Of course I did go a little crazy with my Swiss army knife after- after-

_Spain closed the door behind his boss. "And have a good night sir" he said smiling to his boss. "yes. You too" his boss said back said glancing back at Roma. As soon as his boss left he turned back at Romano.  
"Romano how could you!" he said in a nearly yelling voice. "Could I what Tomato bastured." Spain's face was red with anger "you cussed off my boss do you know what amount of trouble I could be in now." Spain yelled, "Well I was right he was acting like a Basturd!" Roma yelled back. "GOD ROMANO WHY CANT YOU JUST LEARN TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH! WHY CANT YOU BE LIKE FELI HE WOULD HAVE NEVER CUSSED AT MY BOSS I SHOULD HAVE SWITCHED YOU TWO OUT WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!" he stormed that leaving those words hanging it the room free to attack Romano at full force. And in that moment only one thing was running threw his head 'Why can't I just shut up why can't I just do as I'm told. I make everyone's life harder!". And with that he grabbed his knife and held it to his wrist.  
_He gulped yeah that.

After that night Lovino decided that the only thing he can do with his words is hurt people or make people's lives worse apparently. So he stopped. Lovino Vargas stopped talking all together. He hasn't said a word since that day which was 5 days ago and he still didn't plan on talking again. "_Either way it's all for the best maybe** he** would have never happened if I was better person maybe **it **would have never happend" _he twitched and shuttered at the thought of **Him** that man. With that though a thousand memories arose.

The smell of alcohol.

The man pressing him down.

The alleyway.

The dark of the night.

The screams that fell on deaf ears.

Roma was startled out of his trance state by a hand touching his shoulder. He jumped and whipped his head over to see Spain. "Roma lo siento about the other night." He said guilt across his face. Romano nodded his head in understanding still not saying a word. Apparently Spain noticed. "… lovie why aren't you-" he was interrupted by France calling his name "Antonieo! Ami please hurry and don't keep moi waiting." France yelled "si France! Bye lovie. Vamos a ir!" for some reason that made Romano angry. The fact that Spain would leave him for that wine basterd so quickly! "_But what right do you have to say anything about it. I mean after all why should you make Spain spend time with you. you are awful. You even make him have to lie to you about the apology out of pity how pathetic." _Each word from his own mind tore him down making him wish he were dead. He started picking at his bandages sudden urge to cut manifesting. _"Because after all there has only ever been one Italy and you pathetic, angry, pitiful, weak, basterd are not and never will him."_

He was falling apart and it sucked ass!

Lovino is never quiet. At least not normally. Actually if I remember correctly he hasn't said much for the past few days_. "Shit! What's wrong with my lovie" _"hay Spain!" Gilbert snapped him out of his panicked trance. "Dude you seem out of it and ignoring the pure awesomeness that is me cannot be tolerated keseseseseseses" Gilbert looked at my troubled face. "But dude seriously what's wrong." Gil repeated the question. "Its Romano he's worrying me." I said looking back over at Lovino who was currently playing with one of his sleeves and staring at the table like he was watching his mother be murdered in front of him. His frown deepened. "Ami Spain it is probably nothing no Romano is probably just going through a phase I mean just look at England he went through a punk and a pirate phase" France added. "yeah I guess your right." He looked back over at Lovie. _"Please be okay mi pequeno tomate."_

**A!N okay translations in order **

**Or when there shown I normaly don't do the other language**

**Thing for my fanfiction but **

**I feel like for what im doing here its kind of **

**Needed so **

**Ami=friend**

**Lo siento= im sorry**

**Vomos a ir=lets go**

**Mi pequeno tomate= my little tomato**

**More on this fan fiction later.**


	3. Chapter 3 journal entry one

**A!N okay I'm updating srry *dodges bullets***

**for the wait my computer was having internet problems but **

**on the bright side I wrote a lot of chaps.**

Lovino sat at the end of the table listening to yelling and shouting and having random things fly over his head, but he didn't even seem to notice as his mind assaulted him with everything it has. _"Feli wouldn't have fallen to something so low as cutting you sick weak pathetic whore!" "Why can't you actually do something right!" "How can you be such a goddamn idiot you can't do the simplest tasks right!"_

_Weak_

_Pathetic_

_Idiot_

_Slut _

_Whore_

His mind made a turn to **that day. **Lovino stared at the desk tears threatening to spill but he didn't let them fall though. He would NEVER cry in front of the others.

Luckily the meeting was over soon enough and he was getting ready to leave. "Roma.." he heard someone behind him say. He turned to see Spain behind him face solemn and serious. "Lovie are you okay?" He asked. Lovino shook his head yes.

Lovino wasn't okay.

Not in the slightest.

He was currently falling apart while all at once trying to put things back together, and it was killing him. "Lovi why aren't you speaking?" Spain asked approaching him. Lovino stared at him wide eyed. _So he did notice. _Lovino shrugged and pushed pasted Spain. Ignoring the protests from Spain Lovino left the building and headed to the airport to catch his plane. Spain dropped the subject shrugging it off as just some more Romano nonsense.

Little did Spain realize how close to the edge Lovino was and how far from catching him he was.

Romano got home immediately dropping his suite case and running to the bathroom locking the door behind him. He didn't know why he bothered locking the door. No one came to visit or talked to him and if they did they wouldn't even care. If anything they would probably tell him he deserves it then walk away. Anyone could tell that he was just some useless unworthy-. He slashed down his arm watching the blood gleam from the cut. He cut again, then again, then again his mind reeling.

Because he deserved it right.

He wasn't worthy.

He wasn't good at anything.

So he … deserved it right,

His mind was so clouded and foggy from pain and blood loss that he passed out on the floor blood pooling from the twelve new marks from his wrist and calves.

He woke with a start getting up and looking at the blood around him. He huffed getting up and grabbing a towel. He cleaned up the blood on the tile floor to the best of his ability it still leaving a stain. _"oh well no one will notice." _He then started working on his arms. Running water was the only thing that was herd threw out the house as Lovino cleaned the dried blood off his arms and legs and bandaged them quickly. He sat back against the wall turning off the water.

And he cried.

He hadn't cried. Not even when he cut. He mostly just became really frustrated. Of course he was Lovino so I guess being angry at everything was his specialty. But he was crying. He sat on the bathroom floor numbly crying. "I am sick of it." He whispered "SICK OF EVERYTHING!" he shouted to the emptiness of his house.

He sat numbly crying for about an hour before getting up and walking to his room. Sitting on his bed he sighed running a hand threw his hair. "I- am losing my mind." He whispered.

He knew he couldn't be locking this inside and that it was unhealthy- but he couldn't exactly tell anyone about it because he knew no one would care- he looked over to a small tomato red journal. He kept it for notes during meetings if they actually ever said anything worth taking notes on. He grabbed the journal. Grabbed a pen. Opened the journal. And then began.

**Hello I am lovino Vargas and I want to die-**

**A!N hahaha cliffie I know**

**I am sooo mean :3 **

**Anywho the next chap up soon bye bye**


	4. Chapter 4 writing out my story

**A!N hay friends … this became **

**Way more popular than I thought it would…**

**Heres another chap before someone actually kills me from not updating.**

**I am Lovino Vargas and I want to die…**

**It isn't all that resent either. I guess it started with the man in the alleyway.**

**Yes _I_ got raped.**

**Pitiful isn't it I guess I always was.**

**In the end there has always only been one Italy and that is my brother Feliciano **

**Not me never me I can't even dare to call myself no**

**I am just Lovino Vargas a forgotten soul that should have died years back.**

**Or gotten murdered back in that alleyway…**

**Well I guess that's it for now.**

**~Lovino Vargas **

He finished the entry sighing and looking at his work. "FRATELLO! Ve~ are you home!" His brother was here … now. _"Shit!" _quickly he threw the journal under his mattress and stood up grabbing a hoody to cover his arms and running down stairs.

"Ve~ there you are I was getting worried." Italy said smiling then jumping on Lovino in a hug. Then Ludwig stepped in the room. Romano looked Ludwig over but said nothing making Germany raise an eyebrow. "Ve~ Roma are you feeling okay?"Italy said noticing. Lovino shook his head yes and then got out from his brothers tight grip. "Ve~ okay." Feli said a little skeptic. "Any way fratello I was worried because you haven't been talking lately I heard from Spain." _Oh so now that I'm not opening my mouth everyone seems to pay attention to me! "of course but it's mostly out of pity Spain just doesn't want to have to deal with a mute idiot for the rest of his life," _his mind blasted at him deciding now would be a good time to jump in.

Too caught up In this though process Lovino hadn't been paying attention to Italy and had missed almost everything he said. "Ve~fratello are you sure your okay." Italy said swinging an arm in front of Lovino's face trying to get his attention. _No I'm not okay I'm burning up from the inside out_ _can't you see that!_ Lovi nodded his head regardless. "Ve~ okay." Feli was starting to get worried at this point. "Well me and Germany need to get going but if you ever need someone to talk to Fratello just call me." Italy said walking out the door with Ludwig.

_Well that's one way to kill an hour. _

Lovi thought looking at the clock. Lovi sighed removing his jacket and looking at the bandages on his arms. _Why, why does it have to be like this._ Lovino's eyes were starting to tear up. _Why does everyone abandon me before they can see them. "Because nobody cares. Why should they you're just being selfish you can't expect them to care about you Why do you expect love! No one needs to care about you your not deserving of love not after all the things you've done especially with **the man **in the alleyway. Why do you think that happened? It was just a little pay back from the universe and you have to admit on some level you liked it! Slut! Why can't you at least try and do something good for the world once in your pathetic life and end this!" _Lovi coverd his ears trying to drown out the screaming of his contiuse to no avail. He got up and ran to his room grabbing the book he started he wrote.

He wrote down everything.

What happened with the man in the alleyway. His feelings of the last couple months how he's been tarring himself down for years now. He wrote.

And with each word he felt only a small portion better. Because a journal is a journal but Lovino thought he was always going to be alone forever.

**A!N wow okay were getting more angsty with this **

**I was in a pretty bad mood today so I deiced to make**

**Romano's contuse a little bit more mean**

**I didn't do proof reading because I decided u guys **

**Didn't give much of a shit about where I put a **

**Comma but anyway I have another chapter I will post in a few momments**


	5. Chapter 5 I know

**A!N okay so I'm still in a bad mood so …**

**Get ready for a lot of angst.**

**And this might be the chapter he commits suicide in**

**I still haven't decided whether I should kill Romano off or not yet..**

**Its still up for debating.**

**Should Spain and lovi get back together or should I just let Spain die in a hole?**

**Chapter 5 **

Lovino hid the book between the two mattresses of his bed. He was hoping no one would find it. Whipping off fresh tears from his face he went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. _"my god look how weak you are." I know "your such a disappointment to everyone." I know "you don't deserve to walk the earth at all let alone get love." I know "why did you ever expect that anyone could love you you selfish brat." I Know "you deserve all of this." I know "you aren't talented," I know "or lovable." I know "everyone hates you." … I know _He looked into the mirror shaking. He was crumbling under the weight of everything. "I Know." He whispered so quiet his voice was even softer then Canada's. He left the bathroom and fell on his bed falling asleep almost instantly.

**A week later**

Another world meeting. Romano was dreading this because he knew he would half to face Spain again. Walking in the room he quickly fast walked to his seat thankfully unnoticed because of all of the commotion in the room. Tugging on his sleeves he sighed looking around the room. His entire body froze when he saw Spain talking to Feli. _"Their talking about you and how awful you are. They know their lifes would be better off without you," _The words of his own mind were screaming at him. His mind was always being assaulted at this point. Spain looked over too see Lovi sitting there and Spain walked over. Panicking Lovino pulled down his sleeves again and got ready for rejection. "Roma are you okay …" Spain asked slowly. Lovino nodded his head. "Romano why aren't you talking.." Spain grabbed Lovinos arm. Panicking Romano quickly pulled away from Spain grip. Spain huffed. "Fine." Spain walked away with no real emotion. _"see you drive everyone away your such a god damn idiot you whore." I-know _Lovino was motionless for the rest of the meeting wondering what he fucked up this time and why he was so bad at everything. Spain kept giving him worried looks from across the table, _"there fake. There for show. Spain has never actually cared. Remember he's always wanted Feli." I-I know. _Lovino peeled his eyes away from Spain. Looking away e brought out his journal and started writing down that days events like he has been for the last few days.

**Hello its me again. So today has been rather normal. **

**I managed to drive away Spain again today but that isn't knew.**

**Why do people have to pretend to be friends with me.**

**I much prefer not have to know the hassle of them being there.**

**It gets tiring after a while. **

**~Lovino Vargas (not Italy) **

He sighed putting away his journal. He realized that the meeting was over and so he got up to leave like everyone else. "Lovi!?" he heard Spain call he didn't turn around though. He kept walking till he got to the air port and got on his plane home. _"They all hate you you know." I know…_

**_A!Nnot sure which way I'm going with this but I'm working on it. _**

**_Spain has been a dick the last couple chaps._**


	6. Chapter 6 As good as Feli

**A!N I've had a shitty day **

**But its spring break so that's good you guys will**

**Get a lot more updates **

**so let's take all **

**My pent up frustration and**

**Turn it into a kick ass chapter.**

Its interesting how the weather can just about reflect a person's mood if it's a bad enough one and sure enough it's raining. Lovino doesn't know if it's because he's literally Italy of if it's just coincidence. "_no you're not Italy you'll never be Italy your just a waste of space and air. you know they will be better if you killed yourself." _Lovi's contuse was kicking his ass day and night at this point. _I know… _He trailed off finally arriving at his home. He opened the door and ran to his room dropping the suit case he had to drag with him to the meetings. He grabbed his army knife out of the drawer and ran to the bathroom. He sat on the tile and brought the knife to his wrist. He brought it down and watched as the blood pooled on the floor. After he drew whatever pleasantries he could gain from this he washed his wrists and wrapped them in gauze. Sighting he grabbed his journal and wrote down how many times he cut today. He set a little page aside for a little chart of how many times he cuts a day and how many cuts. He doesn't know why I guess it's just because he likes to know how out of control this is getting.

He sat down taking his journal and flopping it on the desk. It opened to a page he remembered well. It happened six days ago. He picked up the journal and read threw the page.

**Hi im back again. So tonight I tried to kill myself.**

**But I didn't. I guess I'm just that weak. I can't even do this one thing to make everyone's life better. I can't do anything right and it's just pathetic. I wish I could help in some way I wish I could do something right for once and actually make someone proud. At least if I do this it would make their life's better and I could at least get points for caring… I mean Italy cares a lot. He can do things right. Why cant I…? **

**~lovino vargas (not Italy) **

He slammed the book down on the counter. "I AM DONE WITHI THIS!" he screamed. For the first time in a month he talked. He was done. Even he himself is comparing him to his little brother and he cant take it. He can't take the pain and guilt and insecurity of not feeling safe in your own home. The violated and hurt feelings he's had since day one. The secrets and lying and most importantly…

He's tired of being tired all the got damn time.

He grabbed a pencil and wrote with emotion no one knew he had. He wrote down everything in a 6 page suicide note telling his feelings on everything. Tears in his eyes he ran to his room and pulled out his Swiss army knife and unwrapped his wrist. It was still raw and bleeding from the cutting he just did. Held the knife to his wrist. _"Everyone can be happy." _He brought down the knife with force enough to kill. _"your finally doing something right." _Which is sadly what hews aiming for. "_finish it… finish it almost there" _His wrist started bleeding. _"you're doing great! Don't give up you pathetic basterd" _Gushing out blood he brought the knife to his other wrist.

_…."your finally doing something as good as Feliciano" _

**A!N I am so mean**

**Any way cliffy!**

**Any who I know I know I haven't updated in like a 3 days but I'm back.**

**And better then ever :) ****new update up soon**


	7. Chapter 7 I'm getting rid of the problom

**A!N I posted that last chapter and got**

**near instant reviws so you know **

**I think you should get another chapter **

**Because of how mean I was leaving you at a cliffie**

**Spains pov**

Romano has been acting weird the past few days and I will not just drop it. I know he hasn't been talking, and I know something's up so I don't care if he doesn't want to see me or not. I'm confronting him on the matter.

I knocked on the front door and waited. No answer. Huffing I got the key out from under the rose bush and opened the door and walked in. "Lovi I know something's up and-" it was quite in the house. To quite like when you walk into a house with – no one inside.

Walking up the stairs to his room I became unsettled instantly. The mood in the house seems to be off. I didn't really think much of it until I stepped in something. Some weird liquid…

**Blood**

My eyes widened and I panicked running in his room and seeing him passed out on the floor arms and legs mutilated with cuts of all shapes sizes and depths. I panicked and whipped out my phone to call 911. I then ran to my Lovi and scooped him up in my arms. I pushed some hair out of his face and felt for a pulse on his wrist. Discarding the fact that I was getting blood all over myself. I let out a sigh of relief when I felt a small pulse and realized it wasn't too late.

I sobbed. My lovi. My Lovi was in so much pain to do this and I didn't even notice. Why would he- I saw a few discarded papers on his bed. Picking them up I realized they were his suicide note. Stuffing them in my jacket knowing I would have time to read them later I sat down my Lovi. I saw something under the mattress at the angle I was at. I grabbed it and saw it was that journal he has been carrying with him everywhere, so I took that too. The ambulance got here a few minutes after I picked up the journal and they took Lovi and me to the hospital. My Lovino my little tomato.

When they dragged him into the emergence room a kind nurse led me to the waiting room. Once I sat down I called Feli knowing he would want to know about this and come over too. Feli sounded distraught at the news. Literally not just Feli's over bearing crying but literally falling apart distraught. Sighing I knew Feli would get here any minute quickly pulling out the suicide note I started reading. And every word stabbed like a knife and slapped like a wakeup call.

**I really don't know how to start one of these things. I really don't think I need one. No one visits me in my house so it might be weeks before someone even thinks about me being gone or just gets curious. I guess I'll start with the usual no one likes me crap. I guess I was never as good as Feli was I I just wish I could be because I can't be perfect and I feel like I've always had to live up to expectations he laid down for me. So what I'm not s good as a cook. So what I'm not as good as a painter. I still have feelings too. But I guess no one dared to think that because I was so mean to everyone. Well I have one thing to say I AM SORRY I really am. I even stopped talking just so I didn't hurt anyone. But I guess it was always just. "that boy is way to rude and untalented to have feelings" I Know I don't deserve anything close to love but I guess I just kind of wanted it. Every human being wants love whether their country or just a normal human. But that was never made for me because of how I was and who I was. It's been that way ever since I was younger. And I still wish I was at least somewhere close to Felis level of perfection. I still wish I was grandpa Rome's favorite. No No I don't blame him. I could never despise or blame Feli never never but I still wish I was at least on some level of perfection. I know I was hard to understand and hard to be around but I wish someone would have tried. So I'm doing this in hopes to do my one good deed. Now you guys can be happy and not have to pretend to like me for the sake of not hurting my feelings. The feelings I should have never had. I guess in the end there was only one Italy and I was just hanging around. I guess you can say I've felt like I've over stayed my welcome for a while now. And I just didn't have a choice in the matter anymore. Because it was either kill myself or live in painstaking agony alone for the rest of my life. Ha listen to me talking like someone would actually care if I was gone. I guess I'm just writing this for myself. So I can feel like I had someone to read this and mourn once I was gone. But I guess I have never had that privilege. Feli might cry but he's Feli he cries about everything and that's different. And either way he'll be over it in a few weeks anyway. A little past some attention and he'll be right as rain. Please Germany take care of my brother and don't let anyone hurt him. I just wish I could have. Germany I wish I could have protected him too. I never really hated you I just hated the fact that my brother would move on without me. I guess somewhere deep inside I have always been afraid of being abandoned and in the end I felt like he abandoned me but I guess I shouldn't be so selfish and make him stay with his shit brother for the rest of his life. That would just be rude. Spain I wish I could have been a better maid and actually done something right for you. Well I guess I am now. But I still wish that I could have been as good as Feli. I have the answer to your question I can't be like Feli because he is better than me and I am a failure. I can't change that. I am sorry about it though. I'm sorry about being a screw up. I'm sorry for not learning Spanish all that well. I'm sorry for not being a better brother to Feli. I'm sorry I wasn't able to protect him. I'm sorry he had to be cursed with a horrible brother like me. I'm sorry Spain had to deal with me all these years I'm sorry I could never do anything right and I'm sorry that I was just an overall horrible person. I guess I deserved what I got back in that alleyway and it was just the universe asking me to do something right. I wish someone was there to mourn over me but they aren't. And I know its petty but sitting here with the knife makes me wish someone would burst in here and beg me not to do this. I wish someone would stop me. Because personally I don't want to die. But I know it's better for everyone if I just leave now. Spain you asked me to go that one time when I was a child and you tried to trade me out for my brother but Austria wouldn't hear it. So now I guess I should go. I'm holding this knife in hopes this might end this. Because I'm not going to sit here and make other people's lives worse any more. I guess it's time for personal notes now.**

**Dear Spain, Take care of my damn tomatoes. **

**Dear Germany, Take care of Lovino and if you even dare think about hurting him I will come back and haunt your ass. And also I never hated you.**

**Dear Feli, Don't hurt yourself while I'm gone. Don't make the mistake I did by picking up the knife. So help me god if you do I will go lion king on you and appear as a cloud like Mufasa did to Simba to get you to pull your shit together. **

**HA listen to me talking like someone will actually miss me when I'm gone. But I guess once again I just kind of wrote this for me. I'm sorry for not realizing I wasn't wanted sooner. I'm Sorry about being alive. **

**But don't worry I'm getting rid of the problem now **

**Goodbye Lovino Vargas the boy who was never Italy because I know no one else will say it in the end**

**Good bye Lovino and I wish you luck because no one else will. **

**~Lovino Vargas (not Italy)**

**Pov switch back to third person**

Spain had tears in his eyes from the note. He reread the little "_Take care of my damn tomatos" _that he gave Spain. Little did anyone know that Romano's tomatoes were his pride and joy so asking Spain to take care of them was like if he asked Spain to protect his first born child. And that's all Spain needed to hear the words meant behind the simple fraise. Whipping tears for his eyes he looked over to see Italy and Germany run in the waiting room. "Spain how is my brother doing." Feli asked in a panic nearly distraught. "I don't know they haven't told me anything yet." He said staring at the floor. After a minute of rugged silence Spain gave Feli the papers. "His suicide note I think you should maybe read it."

**A!N srry I have to leave you there **

**I just can't take writing anymore for right now **

**But I need to get this up now or I feel like someone is going to **

**Murder me in my sleep**

**So be happy with this because I could have just**

**Left you hanging until tomorrow night.**


	8. Chapter 8 its all my fault

**A!N Aright I'm back in the fan fiction grove.**

**And ready to get going**

**Last we left off Spain just gave Feli Lovino's suicide note.**

Feli hesitantly took the papers from Spain, and began to read. He read and reread the words hoping that on one of the pages it's reviled to just be some horrible joke. Spain watched as he read with a sad look about his face knowing how Feli felt at this moment. Feli let out a sob and crumbled the papers in his grip. Germany took them from Feli to read them himself. A wave of shock seemed to go through his body as he read each word.

Spain suddenly remembered the journal he picked up and pulled that out of his jacket. Italy gave him a questioning look. "Its Roma's journal. I think maybe we could get a little bit of what made him do this from it." Spain was about to open it but he was interrupted by the nurse that lead him here. "The Vargas family …" Spain jumped up and Feli nearly ran to the lady holding the clip board. "Ve~ is my brother okay…" Italy asked almost desperately. "Well he lost a lot of blood but there was no internal damage so he will be just fine." With that a great weight was lifted off of them. "But- he is currently in a coma so-" she continued. We all froze. A – a coma. "C-can we see him." Spain began. She nodded her head and gestured for them to follow.

They interred a room to see Lovino laying there bandages wrapped around his arms in an insane amount of layers with IVs and blood bags surrounding him. Feli let out another sob at the sight, Germany had his mouth open in shock and Spain had to keep from bawling on the floor right then. The nurse left them to themselves with a "He'll be okay."

Spain nearly ran to Lovino's side when they got inside Italy following beside him. Spain seized Lovino's hand and Italy took to brushing threw Lovi's hair with his fingers as soon as they got there. "The book…" Germany said in the quietest voice I think he's ever used. In all the chaos Spain completely disregarded the journal. "Oh yeah right." Spain mumbled grabbing it out of his coat pocket. He opened it.

The first page seemed to be his first entry. It broke their hearts but what came after that almost killed them. (**A!N if you recall our dear Roma wrote his first entry before continuing to write about his rape**)

"Romano…" Spain whispered and Italy teared up even more.

His journal read this.

**_I was somewhere close to 11 pm when I left Spain's house that night. _**

**_I don't even remember what I was doing at his house that day. _**

**_I was walking by an alleyway when a man in a brown suit grabbed my arm. _**

**_I ripped my arm out of his grip and stood there in front of him before yelling. _**

**_He was obviously a business man buy the looks of his suit._**

**_He smirked when I stopped yelling at him. _**

**_I stood there shocked for a moment before he pushed me into the alleyway._**

**_I didn't know what to do._**

**_HE pushed me on the ground and then got on top of me. _**

**_Then the rest seems to be a bit of a blur._**

**_Him taking off my clothes._**

**_Him laughing when I tried to get away._**

**_Me begging for him to stop._**

**_My screams._**

**_And it's all my fault._**

At the last line Spain flipped his shit. HE screamed about "WHO EVER DARED TO TOUCH MY LOVI!" and Italy was about to cry himself to death. He ran over to Lovino and whispering sweet nothings about how it wasn't his fault and how amazing he really was.

All and all it was almost utter chaos.

**A!N okay I know short chapter but I need material**

**For the next chapter and**

**I have a good **

**Idea**

**Until next time**

**See you**

**:)**


	9. Chapter 9 confessions of a dead man

**A!N okay so this is chapter …**

**Idk what chapter this is**

**Whatever I don't actually care**

**So I decided whose going to live and die (out of **

**Context that sounded super creepy) and what's**

**Going to happen but**

**If the audience has a preference I am always willing**

**To look in to changing it**

It has been a good eight days since Lovino was entered into the hospital and he still hasn't woken up. Spain hasn't left his side and neither has Italy. The nice nurse Ella brought them blankets and meals allowing them to stay with him. "oh mi Tomate why would you do this." Spain mumbled holding Lovino's hand.

**Romanos pov**

I woke up to feel something warm wrapped around my hand. I didn't really want to open my eyes in fear of what I would see but now I'm kind of curious. Did I succeed and this is either in heaven or hell or … did I fail like I always do. I slowly opened one eye to see I was in a white room … a hospital. Yup I failed. _"you always do. Now maybe next time you can finally make them happy." _But that brought him to another question. If everyone hates him why was he in a hospital? He looked over to see Spain holding his hand… he looked like a wreck. _"That's what you do Lovino you ruin peoples life's and make things harder for everyone." _I nodded my head in acknowledgment. _I know…_

**Pov switch back to third person.**

Lovino then realized that he was going to have to deal with the voice again. Sighing inwardly he straightened his head back to look at the ceiling. "…Roma…" Lovino snapped his eyes shut when he realized someone said his name. "Romano …" sighing he opened his eyes to see Feli sitting in a chair across the room. "Ve~ Fratello you are awake!" Feli said in a Raspy voice from crying so much. "Wh-what." Spain woke up somewhere in the middle of the excitement. "Lovi!" Spain hugged Romano while Feli decided tears of joy would be the best move at this point.

Lovino let all of this play out so he could soon be forgotten again and be left to face his fears and memories by himself like he always does. "R-Rom-Romano why didn't you t-tell us you w-were We-re." Feli broke down in tears again making Romano raise an eye brow about what he was going to say. "We read your journal." He heard Spain say from beside him. "we know about what happened in that alleyway." Romano froze. His heart stopped and he felt his eyes tear up. _No no no no no no no no. they can't know about that. Anything but that. They are going to hate me more now! "well it was your fault and they know that now. They know you're a slut and I think you deserve this for making their life's even worse by failing at something so simple." _Romano felt a stream of tears run down his cheek."and we want to know why you were keeping it a secret and why you did this and… Romano we want to listen." Spain said gripping Lovino's hand a little bit tighter.

They sat there in silence. Lovino vowed never to talk again, and he wasn't planning too. Now he had a better reason not to as well considering he wasn't planning on telling them anything any way but still. "Please fratello.." Italy asked in a nearly begging voice. Romano looked to the floor and shook his head no. "Why Lovi…Why.." Spain asked pulling Romano's head up to look at him. "you have a beautiful voice you know." Spain said tears of both frustration and sadness welling up in his eyes. "Please." Spain asked and he held Lovino close in the first real warm embrace where he felt safe since the first day he started cutting. And in a pool all of the words started flowing out. From his emotions of the past couple days to the feelings he felt when the man was holding him down. He talked about the pain, the voice, the cutting and the silence. He cried letting out all his frustrations in one blow.

After all of this was over and done with he looked up to see the two equally tear stained faces of Italy and Spain. Not judging but grief stricken with love. They both hugged him knowing it was a long road ahead of them but they we're ready to walk it. Together this time because from this point forward Lovino Vargas, southern part of Italy won't have to mask his pain from anyone.

**A!N I don't know should I continue **

**Writing this or leave it there because that**

**Seems like an eligible place to end a story don't you think?**


	10. Chapter 10 continuing on

**A!N well according to you guys you want**

**Me to continue this so **

**Lets get going shall we**

_I told them oh god… I told them everything. _"_They hate you now. They know you're a needy slut and they hate you. Not like they didn't before but-," The_ voice in Romano's head was interrupted by Spain and Italy. They were hugging him. They weren't yelling at him or telling him he wasn't worth the hassle they put in, no. they were hugging him. And for the first time in forever he didn't feel so alone.

They were both mumbling sweet nothings and hugging him. He cracked a small smile. The first one he's wore in a long time. He hugged back and just let it fade. He could feel the voice yelling at him but it didn't matter. They voices judgment couldn't get him here. Here in the arms of those he loved. They stayed like that in silence for a while before Itay decided now is a good time to break the silence "Don't Ever do that to me again!" Italy yelled. "You scared everyone half to death and I thought I lost you! God if Spain hadn't been there to save you we might have been too late!" Romano was shocked at this. _Spain saved me? _He looked over to Spain with a questioning look. "I know I haven't done much good for you lately but I want to make it up to you." He said holding Romano's hand. "And don't worry we are going to find the man who did-… that to you and he will be lucky if we don't throw him in a damn volcano!"Romano laughed a little at that. "Wow no wounder there is so much commotion in this room at 1 in the morning." The nurse said walking in the room. "oh Lovino you are awake okay then I guess we should do a normal check up and make sure your functioning correctly." She said cracking a smile.

After she did the normal check up and then tested all the regions of his brain to see if there was any bad nerve damage (which there wasn't) She left and told all of them to go back to bed.

**A!N okay so that's all I got for now**

**They all went to bed and well see about the other stuff**

**Later okay but in the mean time**

**I hope you enjoyed this fic**


	11. Chapter 11 Authors note

**A!N okay so I don't know if I should go into the healing process**

**For Romano and you know all of that or**

**If I should just leave this fic where it is **

**Do you guys want me to keep writing or what?**


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